Guilt.

The naivety is gone.

When I was younger I always thought that once you got pregnant, that was it, you would have a baby.

I was 25 when we started trying for baby #1. I wondered if it would be easy for us, whether it would take us a while to conceive. Well, we conceived the first month of properly trying. I couldn't believe we had been so lucky. Announced the pregnancy to the parents and everything. Then a week later, we were out in the pub, I went to the toilet and noticed I had started bleeding, bright red blood. An ultrasound a day later showed no baby, just some tissue "retained products of conception" they called it. After waiting it out a week or so and I didn't miscarry completely I had a D&C.

Fell pregnant again while on holiday in New York, this time I didn't realise what was going on but I had a mini period, that didn't amount to anything other than a day or 2 of brown spotting. Tested, positive. 2 days later I had a full on period, ultrasound this time showed nothing left.

We didn't plan to try again for a while, it was a rough patch in the marriage, then around Christmas I conceived again, this time I sat on my bum for the first three months, quit my job in Norwich involving travelling for a job closer to home even though it meant I would not get statutory maternity pay. Went to my ultrasound, perfectly healthy baby. Noah was born the following September.

I started to think that perhaps the miscarriages were a fluke and it wouldn't happen again. When Noah was around 18 months old we started talking about trying again. Again, fell pregnant the first month of trying. This time I got to the 8 week mark before the bleeding started. I miscarried at home and ultrasound showed there was nothing left. At this point I started to think maybe Noah was a fluke and we would not be able to carry another baby. Then I fell pregnant again the following May. Rested up the first three months. Then had the triple test at 16 weeks, which showed a high risk of Downs. The next 4 months I was a worrying mess, my OB got angry at me for refusing an amnio because I couldn't risk losing my baby. I argued with DH as he was of the opinion if this baby was Downs we should terminate. I was fiercely pro life at this point. However, Seamus was born the following February perfectly healthy.

I always knew I wanted three children, but DH was very fixed on just having the two, he found the newborn phase and lack of sleep difficult to cope with. We compromised by saying we would talk about it once Seamus was almost at school age, so this would be in 2011. However fate had other plans and just after we bought a new house, I found out I was pregnant again, we had been using the diaphragm but turns out the failure rate is fairly high even when inserted properly and when using spermicide..

By this time I had got quite accustomed to the thought of having 2 boys, Seamus was still not sleeping great due to his eczema, and I admit that I was not entirely happy about being pregnant again. Still I worried about miscarrying but got past the first few weeks and saw our baby at the `12 week scan. Having only ever got to this point with a healthy baby before, honestly it did not occur to me that anything might happen. I refused the triple test this time and the nuchal scan after our experience with Seamus. DH and I got used to the idea of having another baby and started to get excited. The 20 week scan loomed and I started to wonder.. boy or girl? Having 2 boys already I was really hung up on the thought of having a girl this time. We had names all chosen and I felt I just *knew* this was going to be a girl, to the point I referred to "her" by her name. The boys both went on and on about having a sister. At the back of my mind I thought "It doesn't matter, as long as I have a healthy baby..." but still I was so focused on finding out the sex, and I worried, if I was to have another boy, would I be disappointed??

When I saw my baby on the scan though and they said it was a boy those thoughts quickly evaporated. As I looked at his face, all his parts, I loved my baby.

Then the technician stopped the scan and said those immortal words, "I'm here to look for any unusual features that might indicate a problem in your baby. And I'm afraid to tell you that there appears to be a problem with the heart."

My world came crashing down.

I was so fixated on one stupid, insignificant detail about my baby. I feel so guilty for that.