Welcome to my pity party.

Whine ahead. Feel free not to read if you want. I’m just letting it out.

In the January of 2006 I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks. Three weeks later the day of my follow up appointment at the doctors, my husband told me his niece was pregnant - due just a few weeks after I would have been. The feeling of despair post loss knowing I would have to watch her the whole pregnancy knowing it should have been me was just awful.

It became a little easier when I became pregnant again with Seamus the following June. But I admit I totally avoided her for that first few months because I just couldn’t handle it. She got offended because I stayed away and stopped speaking to me. Our relationship is still strained now.

Those of you that know me well will be aware I had a traumatic loss in July this past year at 21 weeks. My baby was due in November, and I was really hoping to be pregnant again by now however my body just isn’t co-operating and I am still even after five months awaiting my first period. It sucks.

This morning we get a big announcement that my husband’s niece is pregnant again, and she is due in July 2011. So yet again I get to watch her, and this time she is due around the time that we will be facing the first anniversary of Finn’s death. This is going to suck, and probably going to cause another big rift in the family as she, and no one else his side, is going to understand why I’m avoiding her like the plague. But what can I do.

How did my births affect breastfeeding?

 

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 Welcome to The Breastfeeding Cafe Carnival!

This post was written as part of The Breastfeeding Cafe's Carnival. For more info on the Breastfeeding Cafe, go to www.breastfeedingcafe.wordpress.com. For more info on The Carnival or if you want to participate, contact Claire at clindstrom2 {at} gmail {dot} com. Today's post is about Birth Experiences and Breastfeeding. Please read the other blogs in today's carnival listed below and check back for more posts July 18th through the 31st!


I have two children, both whom were/are breastfed. I had two very different birth experiences, although ultimately both were hospital vaginal deliveries and breastfeeding was successful. I hadn't really given it a great deal of thought as to whether the birth made any difference in initiating breastfeeding.

Noah, now 5 was born when I was 27, relatively uninformed about birth, although I was fairly educated about breastfeeding. I took antenatal classes where they taught us about pain relief available but they did not talk about any alternative methods other than drugs, it was all either take the drugs or go natural, there was no other option presented. I didn't see the point in experiencing pain if I really didn't have to, so I opted to have an epidural, thinking I would be painfree and enjoy my birth.

It didn't work out that way. My epidural did not take properly, leaving me numb down one side but still feeling everything down the other. I told the anaesthetist that I was still feeling pain but rather than adjusting my position at all I was just told to be patient and it would start to work. It never did.

On the positive side it didn't seem to slow my labour down, although I suspect it made pushing harder, as despite feeling pain I did not have the proper urge to push that I experienced with my second birth. After my baby was born I was not allowed to hold him at first or breastfeed for some reason until I had been stitched up which took half an hour as I tore very badly.

Breastfeeding was difficult initially. Noah struggled to latch, and I would look longingly at other mothers in the ward feeding their babies formula. The lactation consultant on the ward was useless, she came around when I was already feeding him, said everything looked great and that was it. I credit a nursing auxiliary who was there in the middle of the night when I was struggling one time and showed me how to position my baby properly with my breastfeeding success, as the only person who really gave me proper practical help.

I do wonder if the drugs I was given made some sort of impact on our latching as well. There is evidence to suggest that this may be the case.

My second birth was completely unmedicated. I endeavoured to have a different experience with my first, to avoid an epidural, and chose a birthing pool, still in the hospital, I also stayed home until I was quite advanced (I arrived in hospital dilated to 9cm). Pushing was entirely different in that my body took over and it was much easier compared to the "purple pushing" I'd experienced the first time around.
I still tore, but not anywhere near as badly and they waited to stitch me until baby and I had had our first breastfeed, which we did when we were still both in the water. Seamus had no latching issues at all, I felt very empowered in my birth and confident in my body's ability to provide for my child just as I had birthed him without medical intervention. Our road to successful breastfeeding wasn't entirely smooth, as I think I've mentioned in another post, but at least initiation went smoothly.

I think that drugs given in labour do have an impact on breastfeeding, but I suspect it is not only because of them crossing the placenta and affecting the baby, I feel there is also an element of confidence involved as well, if the mother has experienced a cascade of interventions and ends up feeling that she somehow "failed" or did not get the birth she wanted I think that can affect her first breastfeeding experiences as well on a psychological level.

 

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 Here are more posts by the Breastfeeding Cafe Carnival participants! Check back because more will be added throughout the day.

• Sylko @ Chaotic Mama—Breastfeeding Carnival: Birth Experience


• Emily @ Baby Dickey—How Ryan's birth affected breastfeeding


• Kimberly @ Monkey Tales Mama Thoughts—Birth and Boobs


• Timbra @ Bosoms and Babes—Birth Experience


• Shelley @ Lousy Mom—Birth Experience


• Kimberly @ Fertility Flower—Transformative Power of Birth


• Claire @ Geeky Gaming Mama—How did my births affect breastfeeding?


• Natasha @ naturallurbanmama—My birth experiences, also known as Night and Day!


• Kaitlin Rose @ Bring Birth Home—Giving Birth at Home Positively Affected Breastfeeding


• Claire @ The Adventures of Lactating Girl—Dealing With the Opposition


• And of course the guest poster on the Breastfeeding Cafe’s Blog today is Laurel Miller-Jones—Laurel's Birth Experience and Breastfeeding

Rough day.

Today was the funeral for Finn. We didn't have a formal service, but wanted to do something plus I wanted a burial as cremation freaks me out a bit and I wanted a set place to visit him, place flowers etc. The hospital arranged everything, it was just DH and I plus my mum, the hospital chaplain was there and she said a prayer for Finn and for the whole family. I have never seen such a tiny coffin in my life. White, with his full name engraved on the top. We got a beautiful plot under a cherry tree.

We have to wait three months before we can put a headstone on, I intend to get one, and to put flowers on in November when he should have been born, and at his real birthday on July 2 next year.

I should go back to work next week. Not sure yet if I am ready, or not, but now that today is over which has been looming over me for the past week I hope I can start to look forward a little. I know it will hurt for a long time and we will never forget but have to keep a positive outlook, at least for our other two children, who have inevitably been affected.

I Will Love You

This song makes me think of Finn. I've had it on repeat play ever since...

Fisher - "I Will Love You"
Album: True North


Til my body is dust
til my soul is no more
I will love you, love you

Til the sun starts to cry
and the moon turns to rust
I will love you, love you

But I need to know
will you stay for all time
forever and a day
Then I'll give my heart
'til the end of all time
forever and a day

And I need to know
will you stay for all time
forever and a day
Then I'll give my heart
'til the end of all time
forever and a day

'Til the storms fill my eyes
and we touch the last time
I will love you, love you

I will love you, love you....
I will love you, love you, love you...

Guilt.

The naivety is gone.

When I was younger I always thought that once you got pregnant, that was it, you would have a baby.

I was 25 when we started trying for baby #1. I wondered if it would be easy for us, whether it would take us a while to conceive. Well, we conceived the first month of properly trying. I couldn't believe we had been so lucky. Announced the pregnancy to the parents and everything. Then a week later, we were out in the pub, I went to the toilet and noticed I had started bleeding, bright red blood. An ultrasound a day later showed no baby, just some tissue "retained products of conception" they called it. After waiting it out a week or so and I didn't miscarry completely I had a D&C.

Fell pregnant again while on holiday in New York, this time I didn't realise what was going on but I had a mini period, that didn't amount to anything other than a day or 2 of brown spotting. Tested, positive. 2 days later I had a full on period, ultrasound this time showed nothing left.

We didn't plan to try again for a while, it was a rough patch in the marriage, then around Christmas I conceived again, this time I sat on my bum for the first three months, quit my job in Norwich involving travelling for a job closer to home even though it meant I would not get statutory maternity pay. Went to my ultrasound, perfectly healthy baby. Noah was born the following September.

I started to think that perhaps the miscarriages were a fluke and it wouldn't happen again. When Noah was around 18 months old we started talking about trying again. Again, fell pregnant the first month of trying. This time I got to the 8 week mark before the bleeding started. I miscarried at home and ultrasound showed there was nothing left. At this point I started to think maybe Noah was a fluke and we would not be able to carry another baby. Then I fell pregnant again the following May. Rested up the first three months. Then had the triple test at 16 weeks, which showed a high risk of Downs. The next 4 months I was a worrying mess, my OB got angry at me for refusing an amnio because I couldn't risk losing my baby. I argued with DH as he was of the opinion if this baby was Downs we should terminate. I was fiercely pro life at this point. However, Seamus was born the following February perfectly healthy.

I always knew I wanted three children, but DH was very fixed on just having the two, he found the newborn phase and lack of sleep difficult to cope with. We compromised by saying we would talk about it once Seamus was almost at school age, so this would be in 2011. However fate had other plans and just after we bought a new house, I found out I was pregnant again, we had been using the diaphragm but turns out the failure rate is fairly high even when inserted properly and when using spermicide..

By this time I had got quite accustomed to the thought of having 2 boys, Seamus was still not sleeping great due to his eczema, and I admit that I was not entirely happy about being pregnant again. Still I worried about miscarrying but got past the first few weeks and saw our baby at the `12 week scan. Having only ever got to this point with a healthy baby before, honestly it did not occur to me that anything might happen. I refused the triple test this time and the nuchal scan after our experience with Seamus. DH and I got used to the idea of having another baby and started to get excited. The 20 week scan loomed and I started to wonder.. boy or girl? Having 2 boys already I was really hung up on the thought of having a girl this time. We had names all chosen and I felt I just *knew* this was going to be a girl, to the point I referred to "her" by her name. The boys both went on and on about having a sister. At the back of my mind I thought "It doesn't matter, as long as I have a healthy baby..." but still I was so focused on finding out the sex, and I worried, if I was to have another boy, would I be disappointed??

When I saw my baby on the scan though and they said it was a boy those thoughts quickly evaporated. As I looked at his face, all his parts, I loved my baby.

Then the technician stopped the scan and said those immortal words, "I'm here to look for any unusual features that might indicate a problem in your baby. And I'm afraid to tell you that there appears to be a problem with the heart."

My world came crashing down.

I was so fixated on one stupid, insignificant detail about my baby. I feel so guilty for that.

The end of the road.

Before I say anything else I want to say that I am going to hide the comments in "the other thread". It is painful for me to read them at this stage. I am not going to delete any, I do not agree with censorship, and I will not go to moderated comments unless I really have to. But please, think before you comment.
I have had several DMs from people saying my being open and public about my experience has helped them and others. Much as I have felt at times that it was a bad thing to do, maybe in some small way it is worth it. I initially told about Finn's condition because I wanted input and opinions. I got 5 comments on my original post asking for that, however when I blogged saying that we planned to terminate I got 35 (on the blog alone) I had people looking me up and sending me messages on facebook. I found this rather disturbing and set my profile to private.

I want to blog about this now because talking about it is cathartic to me, working through my feelings, ranting on twitter and whatnot. I also want to respond to some of the things that have been said. I am glad that I did not step away and end up deleting my account. We've had so much support from friends and it all matters so much to us.

I think that when I thought about termination of pregnancy before this I thought of a surgical termination. I had more than one DM telling me that my child would feel the pain of the surgery with the procedure. In fact at the stage of gestation I was at, 21 weeks, the only way the NHS will do it is via induction of labour. I have read on abortion support sites that some countries like the US will do a D&E on women having later term abortions up to a point. This would not have been an option for us as we wanted to meet our little man. Essentially it was the same as us opting for the "comfort care" choice (ie giving birth and letting nature take its course) except rather than carrying to term, we chose to induce labour early rather than prolonging the painful situation for a further 4.5 months.

A major what if for me was - what if we had never found out about his condition and he had been born like this with no prior knowledge. From the information that I have been given by the cardiac team at GOSH, babies like this diagnosed at 20 weeks do not suddenly "get better". Sometimes the development of the heart leads to more complications later down the road. But they could tell me with certainty that his condition would not have righted itself. It is however quite possible that further developments could occur leading to his condition no longer being viable for treatment. When we discussed the option of "comfort care" (ie delivering at full term, but opting not to treat but letting him die of the condition) we were told many parents do then opt to treat because once they have met their baby they do not want to withhold treatment. I never considered this as an option because if we were to carry him to term I would want to give him a chance. Either we end it early or we go the surgery route. I see little point in the comfort care choice and would worry that he would suffer.

They assured me that in this case he would not, he would just become sleepier and sleepier until dying from the gradual shut down of blood flow to his body. We would have the option of delivering at another venue OTHER than Norfolk and Norwich and subsequent transfer to GOSH if we wanted to go this route but definitely did not want to go through the surgery. In other words, if he was delivered anywhere BUT Norfolk and Norwich/GOSH it would be pretty certain that my son would die. We had planned a homebirth. Chance are as I see it that had we not known about his condition, my son would have been born at home, become sleepy and I may have even thought I had hit the jackpot and got a sleeper, only to find him dead in his cot a day or so later. Imagine then the investigations, guilt and horror that would ensue. No, I am very thankful that ultrasound is available to diagnose babies like this enabling their parents to make a choice.

Induction started at 11am and he was born sleeping at 20.20pm. We held him, kissed him, he was baptised and we got to say goodbye. They took him away after a couple of hours, dressed him in a blue suit and blanket and took photos, hand and footprints. I received those today in a little box. I have not looked inside yet as it is all too fresh and raw. The hospital are to arrange a funeral for Finn which we will attend, his body will be buried at a local cemetery so we can put flowers on and visit him. This was really important to me as my mum and sister both lost babies and never knew what happened to their babies remains. Honestly I cannot fault the NHS for what they have done for us, they have been compassionate and caring, respecting our wishes as Finn's parents right up to the very end.

I did feel upon looking at him that we had done the right thing for him. I know many will disagree and that is their right but essentially we did this to avoid all the pain and suffering he would have experienced. Putting a tiny one through three open heart surgeries and all that entails, with a high risk for complications and death anyway, and also the impact on our other children would have been huge. I am sure that we will have regrets and "what-ifs" but as our OB said... we made the right decision based upon the information we had and our personal situation at the time. Now comes the slow road to emotional recovery for all of us.

We chose

We have chosen to terminate the pregnancy. And this is going to be the hardest thing either of us have ever done.

The main reason for me is that giving birth to Finn and having the surgery would mean being away from my other children and especially Seamus, who is three and a half and has never had a night without his mama. He wants me and only me at night if he wakes or if he is upset. He would think that I had abandoned him and I think it might damage our relationship severely. We have told Noah who is almost six and he I think to some degree understands. Seamus' mind is full of bubba, lightsabers and apples.... He will not comprehend what is going on at all.

I feel like I am being forced to choose between my children. Between the one wiggling in my tummy and the two breathing children on the outside.

I also have to consider though what life would be like for Finn. Open heart surgery is a huge thing, to undertake and to recover from. Rather than spending his first weeks of life in my arms nursing and being cuddled, he would spend it mostly unconscious hooked up to machines. Even if he survived the surgeries, his quality of life would not be great. He would need oxygen and regular monitoring. He would tire easily - the specialist told us 10 minute bursts of exercise - whilst watching his brothers play unrestricted. And long term we do not even know if he would survive childhood.

I think that if I did not have two other children to think about or if the likely outcome was better from the surgery our decision would be different. And yet I am still wavering. I lay here feeling Finn move and kick and feel like a terrible mother for considering this. I always said that I would not have a termination unless my life was threatened, or my child had no chance of survival. But you know what? When you're in these shoes, and have to make that decision, the one I never thought I would have to make, there is so much more to consider. It is impossibly hard. And everyones personal and family circumstances are different.

Finn will always be part of our family and we will never forget him.


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Baby Finn

I wrote a big post and the BlogPress crashed. Let's see if I actually get to post it this time.

We're on the train home. I got bumped into first class but dh is still in economy. In some ways this is good as it gives me some time to think.

Baby Finn has a very serious heart condition. He has hypoplastic left heart syndrome, which means that the left side of his heart that usually does a lot of work in pumping blood to the body is underdeveloped. While he is in utero the system he has works okay because the fetal circulation ensures blood can get to all the body parts. There is an extra little opening that closes within the first couple of days after birth. Once this closes Finn would become very ill as his heart would no longer be pumping blood to the body. They can give medication to keep this open temporarily but he would basically need open heart surgery within days of life. This would involve a 3-4 week stay at GOSH intensive care. This is to buy time, he would then need 2 further operations one at 4 months and another at 2-3 years. If he gets through all 3 (chance of around 60%) Finn would be able to live a relatively normal childhood and be able to go to school but would tire easily. Long term prognosis is unknown past childhood/adolescence as the surgery involved (Norwood procedure) has only been around since the 1990s. It is possible at some point he may need a heart transplant.

So we have 3 options. Continue with the pregnancy and go the surgery route. (There is a chance further complications may arise later in the pregnancy making surgery non viable. But right now he appears a good candidate.) 2nd is continue with the pregnancy but let nature take it's course. Finn will not survive more than a few days this way. Or we decide this is too much strain on our family and opt to terminate the pregnancy within the next week or so. We have not decided which route we will go down for sure. I want to give Finn the best chance I can at life but I am also worried about the impact on my other children. So we have lots of soul searching to do.

We really appreciate all the love and support we have been given xxx


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone